An Honest Take on Getting Pregnant Naturally at 45

If you’ve landed on this page after a random web-search, you aren’t alone.  The topics of “natural pregnancy at 45” and “getting pregnant at 45” draw more visitors than any other to this blog, although I initially started it because of my book — about my marriage, not about infertility or TTC per-se. I only have  few other posts on this whole blog solely devoted to trying to conceive in my 40s, and together they get almost ten thousand views every month (which is a lot for this blog!) and have encouraged over 500 women to reach out directly over email to share their stories, or sometimes just their fears and frustrations. (You can do so here.)

So I’m compiling most of the information from them and adding a little more here to make it easier for readers to find all in one place. And if you’ve landed here because you are struggling with infertility, I hope this post gives you some comfort and especially helps banish any guilt you may be feeling about what you are or are not doing to have a baby. Please know that although I (probably) don’t know you personally, I’m keeping you in my thoughts.

The Basic Story

I got pregnant naturally at 45 and a half, and I delivered a healthy baby girl four months after I turned 46. She is my first and only child. I conceived her after more than four years of IVF and other fertility treatments in Japan, where we live and where my husband is from. During this 4 years, I’d had 2 miscarriages and a whole slew of diagnoses for my infertility.

“How did you get pregnant naturally at 45?” people often want to know. Here’s how, I’m assuming: We got really lucky.

My husband and I both longed for a child, but we didn’t consider using donor eggs or surrogates, because they are not approved in Japan, and because we desperately wanted a child that came from both of us biologically (a feeling I wrestled with and felt very conflicted over, but that was true, and that I wrote about for the New York Times). I’d been diagnosed with high FSH, a luteal phase defect, a blood-clotting disorder, low progesterone, and inconsistent ovulation. As well, of course, as being old. I tried acupuncture, herbs, fertility yoga, and multiple fertility diets and dietary restrictions to try to make my maternal age “younger.”

When I turned 45, we decided I’d stop all medical treatment, because the statistics on pregnancy at or past 45 with a woman’s own eggs were so dire. (My husband is 5 years younger and was in good procreative health, according to our doctors, so the issue was me, I felt sure.) I stopped all the fertility diets and acupuncture, too, as well as the special fertility yoga, although I continued to do regular yoga. I started drinking wine again and coffee whenever I wanted. I felt freer in some ways, but also very sad.

I had a deep, gnawing yearning to meet our baby, and I felt sure that our baby existed somewhere, but I was trying hard, after my 45th birthday, to adjust to the fact that I was probably never going to meet our baby or hold our baby, because of my age and all of the factors my doctors had said would prevent me from getting pregnant and giving birth to a healthy baby.

Still, my husband and I continued to try to monitor my body’s cycles and to try to conceive a child naturally, mostly because my husband is an optimist and he convinced me there was no reason not to keep trying, and I couldn’t find a reason to disagree with him exactly.

When I was 45, my father in law got very ill. I loved him deeply, and I spent every day at the hospital in Osaka with him. My husband and I were both stressed and sad and very, very tired, so when I thought I might be ovulating, we tried to conceive but were so exhausted and overwhelmed we only managed to try once or twice a month for a while.

But one of those months I got pregnant. And now our daughter is 2, and she is perfectly healthy.

How My Pregnancy Contradicted Some of the Myths or Rules You May Be Struggling With

I’d be lying if I told you now that I know how I got pregnant naturally and delivered a healthy baby girl after I turned 46. And, no offense to anyone, but I’d guess that most people are lying–or at least are wrong–when they say they know the key to getting pregnant at an advanced age.

I tried really hard to be a good fertility patient–to eat the right foods and to avoid all the wrong ones, to stay healthy, to do the right things and not any of the wrong ones, etc.–and I always felt every month like I was failing. I was never 100% perfect with my diet, and of course I was never pregnant, or pregnant for long.

I can’t say for sure that none of the acupuncture or fertility exercise or diets I followed had no impact, because I did end up getting pregnant with a healthy baby eventually. But I wasn’t following any of this for at least six months before I ended up conceiving, so I certainly won’t say that any of these myths or rules proved true for me, either, at least not for the month I got pregnant and the half-year or so leading up to it:

  • If you’ve never had a child or carried a pregnancy to term, you can’t get pregnant naturally and deliver a healthy baby after you turn 45.
  • Drinking coffee will stop you from getting pregnant.
  • Drinking wine and/or beer will stop you from getting pregnant. I’ve never been a heavy drinker and I hardly ever have hard alcohol, but I drank a glass or two of wine or beer almost every night from my 45th birthday on, up until I was about six weeks pregnant–until the moment we learned I was pregnant, or actually about a week before that, when I started to feel nauseous (which at the time we attributed to a stomach bug I assumed I’d picked up visiting my father-in-law in the hospital).
  • Being stressed out will stop you from getting pregnant. As I write above, I got pregnant during one of the most stressful times of my life. And seriously, who isn’t stressed out when trying to conceive after, about, the first month or two of trying.
  • Thinking negative thoughts will stop you from getting pregnant. Let’s just say I’m not an optimist. I had negative thoughts all the time while I was trying to conceive and I always felt irked by the advice to think positively (more about this below). Struggling with infertility sucks and is incredibly hard, so go ahead and forgive yourself a negative thought or two–or two thousand.
  • You will get pregnant once you stop trying. As I write, we were still trying every month, just not with medical intervention anymore.

Resources & Ideas to Support You if You’re Trying to Conceive

Although I don’t know exactly how or why I got pregnant at 45, I do know what helped me get through my years of infertility and losses, and get through it with my marriage enough intact that my husband and I were still happy to keep trying naturally after my 45th birthday. In the hopes that some of these things may help or at least give solace to some of you, here they are:

  1. Accepting both the sadness and the freedom that corresponds with realizing I didn’t have much control at all over my own body: The number one thing that helped the most was actually something my dear friend Jenna said, which was roughly something like, “The most important thing to remember is that you have basically no control. Your body is just going to do its thing, and there is not much you can do to affect that one way or the other.” When she first said it, it sounded harsh and maybe even a little hopeless, but then when I thought about it, I realized both how true and also how freeing it was to accept that, for the most part, there was very little I could do to control–and thus very little I could do to ruin my chances of–getting pregnant. This may not be true for people who have structural impediments to conceiving or carrying a baby, but for many of us, whether or not our body produces a healthy egg and releases it at the right time and nurtures it the right way is something we cannot master. As I’ve mentioned, my doctors had so many reasons why I couldn’t produce or release or implant an egg normally without shots, pills, weeks of medical preparation, or another woman’s eggs, but in the end, my daughter’s first little cells formed, released, and took hold all by themselves. I didn’t even know about it until she was 7 weeks past conception.
  2. Accepting some negative or sad thinking while balancing that with an effort to take good care of myself as much as possible. Plus a podcast: I could never deal with the “positive thinking” movement–something else I write about a bit in my memoir.  First of all, unbridled optimism just isn’t my thing. But even more than that, it felt crushing to me to force myself to think happy thoughts about how an embryo was implanting or how I’d be pushing my baby in a carriage soon, and then every month to not get pregnant again.But I was able to find a resource that helped me combat negative thinking, which in turn helped keep me grounded in a space that balanced honesty with the tough odds I was facing, with solace and assurance that I was doing everything I could to stay healthy–and that I could feel good about that. I used podcasts by Belleruth Naparstek (especially the ones on fertility, anxiety, and general well-being). I liked these because they didn’t force false hope down my throat but enabled me to focus on staying healthy, but I think you could use anything meditative and it would help.
  3. Keeping up with my yoga as much as possible: Related to this, I did yoga almost daily, sometimes fertility-centered yoga but mostly just whatever kind of yoga routine I felt like I needed to feel best at the moment. I’m not saying that helped me get pregnant physically–or emotionally, for that matter. Plenty of people do yoga and still don’t get pregnant, and arguments about doing certain kinds of exercise (or diets, or thinking regimens) in order to get pregnant are specious at best, I believe, and dishonest at worst. But the yoga helped keep me strong and as relaxed as possible (which of course wasn’t very relaxed at all, especially not during treatment).Perhaps most of all, when I turned 45 and started to try to accept that my odds of getting pregnant with my own eggs had statistically dwindled to zero, the yoga really helped provide solace while I mourned. It also left me feeling like I hadn’t completely lost 4+ years of my life to infertility, because one thing the experience had given me was the ability to do so many more yoga moves than I’d even been able to do before. That, of course, wasn’t nearly equal to the pain of thinking we’d never be able to meet our baby, but it was something I was still grateful for, and finding anything I could be grateful for, at that point, helped.
  4. Keeping my focus on the love in my marriage, and on how lucky I was to have found my husband–child or no–also really helped me. Even after my husband and I gave up trying medically, remembering my love for my husband enabled me to know that we would be OK, that I would be OK, even if we never got to meet our baby. This was hugely helpful especially as I started to mourn the idea of having a child, when I turned 45 and we stopped all medical treatments and I thought my chances were basically nil. And if I hadn’t been able to get through all this with our partnership intact, then essentially I would never have been able to have my baby girl, because we wouldn’t have still been trying naturally.

I tell the story of how long we waited for our daughter, and all the ups and downs this waiting entailed, in my book (The Good Shufu). But I post this now in the hope that it gives some comfort and encouragement to anyone who reads these words and is struggling to get pregnant or feels guilt about whether you are too stressed or doing the wrong thing to conceive. And I wish the same incredible good luck for you too.

The fastest way to get in touch with Tracy is here.

(Note: For more about trying to get pregnant, you can also see Getting Through to Getting Pregnant at 45 and On Delivering My First Child at 46, other blog posts I wrote in the hopes of supporting people slogging through infertility, although some of the content from these is reproduced in this post. And if you’re looking for more hope (although I remember ‘hope’ feeling a bit like a double-edged sword when I was trying to get pregnant), here’s a recent piece I compiled about how and why the stats on giving birth past 45 are really not so dire after all.

I’ve also gotten quite a few questions about my pregnancy and birth experience, and I’ve written a bit more about those in the Washington Post online and in Brain, Child Magazine online — although please note that the picture in this latter article is not my daughter! It’s a stock photo the magazine used.

Finally, if you’re *still* interested in my story [bless you for your patience if so!], the story of how I met and fell in love with my husband a bit late in life and then went through years of IVF and finally got pregnant naturally, is in my book The Good Shufu. If you read it, please get in touch and let me know how you like it!)


86 thoughts on “An Honest Take on Getting Pregnant Naturally at 45

  1. Sometimes when you’ve tried for soooo long (I’m 44 and my husband and I have tried for a decade now, which is basically 120 failures minus miscarriages), you can’t find the words to explain why you haven’t given up yet (or you HAVE given up, then grasped hope, then released it, exponentially), but this is the phrase you wrote that explains it: “I had a deep, gnawing yearning to meet our baby, and I felt sure that our baby existed somewhere.” That is precisely it. It’s knowing that you know that the soul exists and just trying to get to it. So happy for you after all the waiting.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Kerbey. Thanks for your message. I’m so glad and touched that you found something in this post that resonated for you and let you know that others have shared your experiences, feelings, yearnings, questions, etc. I didn’t know that I’d ever get to meet our baby, and I’m still in shock–almost 3 years later–that she actually came to us healthy and whole and hold-able–but I knew that the yearning was real and that even if we never did get to meet our baby, all that we’d been through to try to meet her would still stand as a testament to our love for her, so the years of trying wouldn’t have been wasted, even if they were painful and even though we didn’t know how they would end up. I hope, no matter the outcome for you (and I’ll be keeping everything crossed for you that you have an outcome as lucky as ours), you’ll feel the same way. Please know you have someone thinking of you and pulling for you! Keeping you in my thoughts… Tracy

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Hey there, very helpful information, thank you so much for sharing your experience. I am on the same page, but my worry is I seem to have lost my periods, they come once in every 6 months or so, Does it mean, I have no chance?
        Am so worried and am not even 45 as yet

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Good article. Some other thoughts…
      My mother had her last of 7 babies at 48. My little sister is beautiful and healthy. There are some greater risks but if you eat very healthy before you conceive and during pregnancy, that will make a big difference. Plenty of women have babies later in life that are beautiful and healthy.

      Liked by 3 people

  2. Hi, im currently 45 and half, always wanted a baby from our love, but lost hope about 3 years ago when blood tests werent giving good results. Today, Im reading and looking for woman who have got pregnant at 45 and what they felt. Im 44 days and no period, feeling weird, nauseous today but still thinking is a peri menopaused symptom, because all I have read is about my chances to be none. Im waiting for my period, scared to do a pregnancy test and see another negative result… Can you tell me how you felt, in your body, the first couple of weeks before knowing you were pregnant?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Hannah,

      So sorry for the delay–I’ve been traveling. I didn’t feel much of anything for the first few weeks of being pregnant with my daughter, up until about the 6th week, when I thought I’d caught a stomach bug because I was nauseous on and off. That lasted about a week, until I took an HPT at the urging of friends (I couldn’t believe I was pregnant naturally at 45 and a half) and then went to the dr to confirm the pregnancy. I’d had spotting a few weeks earlier but I figured that was a very light period; it turned out to be implantation spotting. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and keeping everything crossed for you! Please update us if you feel like it. Thinking of you.


      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hi Tracy, thank you for your kind words… a day after I wrote I started spotting and got the weirdest period, if it was a period. Because it wasnt coming llike normal, I did a pregnancy test and came negative 😦
        So there they went my hopes…. I knew it was a very hard chance…
        But thank you for your words, and God Bless you and your family. You got a beautiful miracle in your hands 🙂



        Liked by 1 person

      2. Hi H. I’m so sorry to read your news. I hope you are doing OK after what I’m sure is a really hard loss to bear. Please know I’ll be thinking of you and sending you every best wish in the world as you heal from this experience.

        With all my best wishes,



  3. I am 45. Had a miscarriage at age 38. I was 5 or 6 weeks pregnant. I got pregnant again at 40/41 and lost that one early on as well. Seems I could get pregnant but just couldnt make a viable one. We gave up. As much as I wanted a child with my husband, I accepted that it wasn’t going to happen for us. I became content with that. I am now 45. My period was late, I felt more tired than normal. I took a test and it was positive!! I’m about 5 weeks pregnant and scared to death. Everytime I go to the bathroom I’m worried my period is going to come down and im going to lose this one like I did the others. I’m constantly checking for blood. I’ve been here before. To be so happy and full of joy only to be heart broken. Im just praying to get further along, and make it through the next few weeks. Once I do, I feel I will be okay.

    I have brown spotting which scares me. It seems to be normal from what I’ve read. But I’m just scared. I’m afraid to even have sex because of the fear that it will cause me to lose the baby. My first ultrasound appt is in 2 weeks. I will be 7/8 weeks by then. I’m just hoping to still be pregnant by then.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Ashanti. Congratulations on your pregnancy! I also had 2 miscarriages before my pregnancy at 45, with my now 3 y/o daughter. And I also had spotting early in that pregnancy, which I actually thought at the time was my period.

      I understand how scary it can be–while also absolutely miraculous-feeling–to be pregnant at 45. I spent my entire pregnancy in a sort of fog of fear and disbelief, as well as a kind of quite joy I didn’t want to believe in, in case it turned out to be unfounded, and I also felt a little terrified every time I went to the bathroom that I would see blood. I don’t know what to say to dispel your anxiety, but please know that 1) it *is* sometimes possible to get pregnant naturally, even with your first child, at 45 and to deliver a healthy baby, as I was lucky enough to do, and 2) I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and hoping for all good things for you, your family, and your growing embryo.

      Please feel free to update us if you like, but either way, please know you have someone out there thinking of you, rooting for you, and keeping everything crossed for you.

      With all my very best wishes,



    1. Hi there. Just wanted to update you and let you know that we lost the baby. Again. But, we accept it and may even try again once this bleeding stops. What this experience has taught us is that we can get pregnant and it is possible that it will happen again. Thank you so much. If I get good news again, I will come back and share!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hi Tee. I’m so sorry to read your news, and I really appreciate you updating us during what I’m sure must feel like a difficult time. I also really admire your outlook and your ability to see this as a sign of potential alongside the loss. Like so many women I come across who are trying to get pregnant in their 40s, you are strong and wonderful and an inspiration. Please do come back and share your good news when or if it happens, and please know that I and the other readers of this blog will also be here for you if or when you are feeling discouraged, too, and just want to vent about that. In the meantime, I will be keeping you in my thoughts and keeping you in my heart, too, as you go through the post-miscarriage sadness.

        With all my very best wishes to you and yours,


        PS. I’m thinking of trying to publish something about women dealing with miscarriage in their 40s, in honor of and thanks to the women like you who contact me because of this blog–either in the comments or who just email me directly–and because I think there is something unique about the experience of pregnancy loss as we age. The sadness and fear and wisdom and courage that, it seems, especially women in their 40s possess and display after miscarriage. Of course, I would keep all personal and identifying information confidential.

        Along these lines, I wonder if, in the next few weeks, you’d be willing to let me know if anything in particular occurs to you (about how the experience might differ for you than for any younger women you know who have gotten over or who are currently healing from a miscarriage, and especially about what helps you deal with the experience as a woman in your 40s). If you are too busy or don’t feel like writing any more about it, I completely understand, but if you have anything to share, I’d love to hear it either here or through the contact form on my author site (

        I may also put this request for input as a full post on the blog, so if you see it repeated there, don’t be surprised! I’m not sure I can carve out the time right now to write this piece, but I’m going to try.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. I am about to turn 45 years but l want to get pregnant and am looking to have a baby boy but l am afraid since some they say you will conceive a down syndrome is that true of my age


      1. Hi Mercy.

        Here’s what I’ve found on this issue: According to Dr. Margery Gass, executive director of the North American Menopause Society (NAMS), “Babies conceived by older mothers are at a much greater risk for Down’s syndrome: At age 40, the risk is 1 in 100, which is 10 times higher than the risk of a 25-year-old (1 in 1250). By age 49, the risk is 1 in 10.” (From ). So this still means that 9 our of 10 babies born to women aged 49 will *not* have Downs, and we can assume an even higher percentage will not have Downs when the mother is 45.

        Wishing you all the very best!


        Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m reading this with my five month old sleeping on my lap while my 17 year old eats cereal in the kitchen. I had my second son, and third child, at 46 and two months. He was a wonderful surprise for us, and we feel like the luckiest parents in the world.

    It’s humbling to read the comments and know how fortunate we really are that we’ve never experienced the heartbreak of miscarriage or the struggle of infertility.

    I have no idea how we managed to have a baby so late in life, but it’s the best thing we’ve ever done. Congratulations on your child, and best of luck to the other ladies out there hoping for babies of their own.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Jessica, thanks so much for leaving this message! I get dozens of emails every week month from woman who have found hope in my ability to get pregnant and have a healthy baby at 46, and I know that reading your comment and hearing your good wishes will add even more hope and comfort for many of them. Congratulations to you as well, and all the very best to you and yours! Go later-life mamas!


  5. This is the very first time after I would imagine 100’s of sites I’ve read that I have every responded to, but this one hits close to home. My true love of my life is someone is someone only reunited with after 27 years. I never knew he was in love with me in high school. No idea. 2 years ago we started talking on the phone and fell in love. More in love than anything I’ve ever known that ‘that’ word meant. 7 months on the phone and finally he was there in front of me. We’ve been together 1 year and 3 months now and he has never had a child of his own. We want that so much and I fear so much that we’ve missed the chance. What you say gives me hope. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Candace, I’m so glad what you’ve found here on the blog offers you hope in a helpful way, and I’m also so glad to read that you found your true-love sweetie after all this time. What a lovely story! Thanks for sharing it here. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and wishing all the very best wishes for you. Please feel free to update us here! And please know that I will be pulling for you.

      With all my very best,



  6. Hi Tracy,

    Thank you for sharing your story!

    I will be 45 in just over a month. My husband and I have been TTC for the past 5 years. I have been through everything from having fibroids removed to IVF to acupuncture and traditional Chinese medicine. Before any kind of treatment, there was one time I was 2 weeks late for my period. Obviously, was not to happen then. After I started getting medical advice, the closest we have come, in my mind, is me being 9 days late for my period back at Christmas. I thought “what a great Christmas present that would be?” – again, not to happen.

    I was told by the fertility clinic the reason for not having a successful IVF treatment was the quality of my eggs. All my results were impressive “for someone my age”, except the end result. My husband, the forever pessimist, does not believe we can get pregnant without help. I, on the other hand, am forever the optimist – I believe I will get pregnant one day.

    I am grateful for your blog and to be able to read stories from others who are trying to get pregnant in their mid-40s. And that we are not crazy that it’s not happening! It helps to finally read something either than medical posts on what you should and shouldn’t be doing.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Cafie,

      Thanks so much for leaving your comment and sharing some of your story here, and for taking the time to let me know that you’e found some stuff here that is useful. I’m the eternal pessimist in the marriage and my sweetie the eternal optimist, and he was right in the end, so here’s hoping you prove the optimist right in your marriage, too!

      It’s interesting how many women I hear from–either here or who email me directly–who tell me that they feel like others make them feel guilty or crazy for trying to get pregnant in their mid-40s. And while I know it’s not common for a woman to get pregnant, especially naturally, and have a healthy baby at our age, I also know it’s not impossible. And that, at least in my case, neither drinking wine nor coffee nor experiencing a lot of stress mattered at all.

      Now I’m wishing the same good luck for you. Please know I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and keeping everything crossed for you–and that you can come back to the blog and post someday about your own little one!


    1. Thank you, Sandra, for posting your comment! I get so many emails from women in their mid-40s who’ve come to this blog and found hope from reading about my pregnancy, and I know your story will offer even more hope, too. Sending you and yours all the best! And thanks again for taking the time to comment and share your positive news.


      1. Thank you so much Tracey, you have made my day and every other women in their 40s trying . Nature is amazing, and these stories show that. Kind regards Katrina

        Liked by 2 people

  7. I’m so happy I found your blog. I just got back together with a much younger man I had a relationship with years ago after my divorce. I’m 46 and he’s 35. I’ve always wanted another baby, had two miscarriage so I felt there is still a soul is the mist that is waiting for me to be their mommy. My boyfriend wants a baby so bad, he’s so paternal, such a sweet man. We are trying, I can feel my insides yearning to have a child. Thank you so much for your inspiration, the hope you give. I pray this happens, I pray it happens for every woman who wants to be a mother.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Nora,

      Thanks for leaving your comment. I’m really happy the blog post was useful to you. And congratulations on your reunion with your sweetie.

      I’ll be keeping everything crossed for both of you that you get to meet your baby soon.

      I remember when I was going through all those years between 40-45, of trying and failing to get pregnant or sustain a pregnancy (before I eventually did get pregnant and had my daughter at age 46), what got me through all the pain and heartbreak and allowed me to keep going was the realization that in the end, everything I was going through to try to conceive our child was a worthy testament to my love for that baby, even if that baby never ended up actually arriving. So I knew I that if I tried for as long as it felt right to try, I wouldn’t look back on my life and regret what I was doing. I knew it was an endeavor an endeavor based in love and hope, and there could be no regretting that.

      In any case, I’ll be hoping for the same happy outcome for you that we were so lucky to have. Wishing you all the best, and in deep respect for your struggle and strength,



  8. Wow ! thank you so much for this MUCH NEEDED blog !! I am going to be 45 in another month. I have never been pregnant or even tried to conceive before 4 months ago. Before 4 months ago, I never thought, “I am too old to be pregnant,” I believed in divine timing. After seeing an acupuncturist and being around some of the “typical” OB GYNs, my mindset has been bombarded with “YOU ARE TOO OLD”. My husband is eternally the optimist and tells me to stop thinking that it is not possible. His sperm were tested and are fine and he is 7 years younger. I am like you, more pessimist or “realist”, as I like to call it =) … Anyway, all of our family, all my friends, no one thinks me “too old” to conceive other than “modern” medicine. Everyone else keeps asking me questions like, “When you have your baby, are you going to use cloth or disposable diapers?” I think I am going to stop doing acupuncture and the rest of the craziness and just TRUST that having a baby (actually, 3) is in my heart and work with my womb, and my spirit rather than my mind. It doesn’t help going to “professionals” who hold me under a microscope. And I am definitely not going to go further down the road of IVF and so forth because then I feel I am putting more faith into “my body can’t do this by itself.” No one is perfect by the medical industry standards and your friend was soooo right to say, “You have no control over your body.” It is so true! I’ve read stories about women conceiving and bearing children AFTER having a hysterectomy!! Our bodies are walking miracles. We need to celebrate ourselves. (and I say this mostly for myself =)

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Hello, My husband and I TTC for a decade and I’v had my last period on 1/23/17 and I’m terrified . I’m scared that I won’t be able to have children even though I have heard of menopausal women getting pregnant . My husband and I have had numerous Medical issues (me fibroids,M.S and the Mr. The big C).
    I have scar tissue from previous surgery and had multiple miscarriages from IVF/IUI. I’ve been doing everything changing eating habits, acupuncture and taking iron vitamins since they said I have low blood count. I don’t want to leave this earth without experiencing motherhood leaving my mark. I have wanted children for so long and my husband and I are selfish I know there are many kids that could be adopted or in foster care but, we want children that biologically look like us.

    I know all things are possible through modern medicine to the point that women in their 50’s are having but,I’m 45 and the Ivf cycles are very expensive. I’ve read your blog which makes me very hopeful it will happen naturally without any additional medical treatments.

    Thank you!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi LaShone,

      Thanks for leaving your message. It sounds like you and your sweetie have been through so much. (And by the way, I I don’t think you’re selfish for knowing you want to be biological parents, not ones through adoption. I think you’re being honest and realistic. Not sure you’re interested, but I wrote a bit about this myself, here: )

      I’m glad my post gives you some hope, although I also remember hope feeling a bit like a double-edged sword when I was trying all those years to conceive. But in the spirit of offering more hope, I thought I’d point out that, according to the most recent US Census data, almost 9,000 babies were born in 2015 to women aged 45-54. (See .) Also, my periods were pretty irregular too when I got pregnant, and I still ended up having a healthy first child at 46.

      In any case, I’ll be thinking of you and keeping you in my thoughts. Please know that you have someone out there pulling for you–and feel free to come back and update us with your news.

      With all my very best wishes and hopes for you,



  10. Hi to all the wonderful ladies in this blog,

    I am new here, and so emotional after reading stories and comments posted above.
    I am 45, and recently found out I am pregnant. Currently in my 9th week.
    My husband and I each have 3 children from previous marriages (21, 18, 16, 14, 11,8).
    But here’s the thing: my husband strongly opposes going through with the pregnancy. He is demanding I get an abortion. This has caused great tention between us.
    I understand his fears. I myself am terrified. However, I am so happy for this amazing gift.

    Would love to hear words of wisdom from anyone with simillar experiences.

    Love you all,

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Yael,

      Thanks for your comment, and most importantly, huge congratulations on your pregnancy!

      It sounds like a really hard and complicated situation with your husband, though. Is he opposed because he’s afraid the pregnancy won’t go well or the child won’t be healthy, or because he’s unsure about taking on such a huge life change and a later age? These all make sense if they’re what he’s feeling, although in terms of the first 2 issues, there’s a strong chance the pregnancy will go fine and a very strong chance that, if the pregnancy does progress well, your child will be healthy. (I’m just in the middle of working on an article related to these topics, and here’s what I’ve come up with in terms of stats in my research: “For women at 42 years of age, more than half of the intended pregnancies (54.5%) resulted in fetal loss…The risk of spontaneous abortion [was] 84.1% by the age of 48 years or older.” So yes, these are scary statistics, but if we look at them in reverse, from the perspective of a positive outcome rather than negative, we see a 45% chance of success for a 42-year old to carry a pregnancy to term, and even a 15% chance of success for a 48-year old. & : The estimated rate of all clinically significant cytogenetic abnormalities at age 40 is 15.8 per 1000, meaning we can expect between 98-99% of all babies will be born genetically healthy. For age 45, it’s 53.7 per 1000, or between 94-95% of babies. Even for women giving birth at 49, only 12.5% of babies will carry a genetic abnormality, meaning 87 out of every hundred babies will be born genetically average.)

      As for the latter issues, about taking on such a huge challenge as a child later in life, it’s true that it can be hard and tiring. For me, it’s been worth it though. My LO is now 3 and completely healthy, and I’m still totally in love with her. (Even if I am dealing with hotflashes and toilet training at the same time.)

      Not sure whether any of this is helpful, and I understand why this is such a huge decision. No matter what you decide, please know that I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts. And please come back and update us if you like.

      With so many wishes for you,


      Liked by 1 person

  11. Tracy,

    You are so wise and kind. Thankyou for taking the time to write and share this important information.

    You have given me hope and strength to continue.

    I will be updating.


    Liked by 2 people

  12. I desperately wants a baby of my own,nw i am between i had miscarriage 2 times.My Dr.advised for IVF. But we wnt it naturally. So pls suggest.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Gitanjali. Thanks for leaving your comment. I’m so sorry to hear of your miscarriages.

      Honestly, I don’t know how I managed to get pregnant at 45 and deliver a healthy first baby at 46. I wish I had a better answer to give you, but I think it’s important to be honest with this topic, and my best guess is that my husband and I just got really lucky–and of course that we had sex every month when I thought I might be ovulating (which was a bit hard to guess, since I didn’t tend to ovulate regularly). I used both an ovulation predictor kit, which did’t always work for me, and the method of trying to detect when your cervical fluid means you are most fertile, which wasn’t always easy to tell for me, but I guess one month it worked. (Here’s some helpful info on that, if you’re interested:

      In any case, I’m hoping for the same good luck for you that my husband and I had, and I will be keeping you in my thoughts.

      With all my very best wishes,



  13. Thank you for sharing your story. I am so glad that you were able to meet your baby and become a mom!!

    I did fund your blog because I googled “pregnancy at 45”. I had my first son when I was 38 (after trying for almost 2 years) and have never taken any precautions to avoid getting pregnant again. We always hoped for a second child but also considered ourselves very blessed to have the beautiful boy that we do have. I turned 45 four months ago and started getting pregnancy signs! I have been extremely moody, tired, out of breath, feeling very hot and tonight colostrum started coming from both of my breasts! I got colostrum early in my first pregnancy (around 3 months). I am away with my son having a little vacation with my parents and no access to a pregnancy test. My husband is home and not with me, so I will have to wait a few more days.

    I obviously don’t know for sure as I type this… but I knew when I was pregnant with my first son before I took a test (I guess I’m just very in tuned with my body and recognize the changes). I’m feeling pretty confident that there’s a little cellular division going on in my belly right now! 😉

    I know at my age that the risk that this pregnancy won’t go to full term his insanely high, but I take your story and I plant it deep within my heart to give me a little bit of hope! Thank you for sharing.


    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Cindy,

      Thanks for taking the time to update us during what I’m sure is an exciting but perhaps also scary time. Please feel free to keep us updated as your news occurs. I’ll be keeping everything crossed for you and wishing you all the very best.




  14. Dear Tracy, I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story – what a journey! – and giving some hope. I too had two miscarriages that I am still recovering from even though the last one was 3 years ago. Now at almost 45, I am trying to accept the fact that I will not have children. I appreciate and focus on the things that I have instead of fixating on the things that I don’t have… One of them is my yoga practice as I started some 4 months ago and I enjoy it enormously and I wish I had started earlier! 🙂

    I was always a believer that what should happen, will happen but I got somehow caught up in this race against time and thinking that this is my last chance and will regret if I don’t do all the maximum. And I ended up with this constant fear, every month disappointment and blaming myself for every misstep I took (like drinking a glass of wine) that could somehow impact my chances of getting pregnant. While reading your lines about the no control over our body, I feel relieved.

    Thank you!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Simona, thanks for your comment. I’m so sorry to read of your losses. It makes sense to me that you are still recovering, despite the years that have passed.

      But I’m really glad the post helped you a bit, too. The relief I felt from realizing how little control I had over (and thus blame for, really) my body was probably the biggest help during my years of trying to conceive, too. And I’m so glad you are loving the yoga. I still do it and it is helping incredibly, especially as I’m turning 50 this year.

      I will be keeping you in my thoughts and wishing all the very best for you.

      In deep admiration for your struggle and your strength,



  15. Hi Tracy

    Thank you for your blog, it has given me a glimmer of hope.

    I’m 45 and 1/2 and desperately trying to have a second child. Don’t get me wrong I am so grateful to have my daughter but I always wanted a big family.

    I met my husband when I was 37, married at 39, got pregnant at 40 and miscarried then 6 months later fell pregnant with my daughter and had her 2 months shy of 42. We got pregnant again after I stopped breastfeeding (2nd month) but miscarried (during that time my cousin died suddenly) and then fell pregnant again 4 months later and had an early miscarriage at 6 weeks. Both times I had bad vibes as I didn’t really have any symptoms. With my daughter I had raging boobs. Then fast forward to this year Jan, we got pregnant again this time by IVF and went for scan, nice heartbeat at 7 weeks and told
    Potentially twins but went back 10 days later and nothing. Miscarried 3 weeks later and that was in march this year.

    I go through waves of thinking yes I can get pregnant again. Btw only the last attempt was ivf, all previous pregnancies were natural. Sometimes I feel so low and others I have glimmers of hope. Everyone around me is on their second or third baby. I’m happy for them but can’t help
    Feeling down for me.

    It’s literally taking over my life.

    I’ve been doing acupuncture and taking vitamins but honestly not sure if it’s helping. It’s driving me insane.

    I watch my daughter and she’s desperate to play with other kids.

    I also feel bad that me trying to get pregnant is ruining what time
    I have with my daughter.

    Everyone is like “are you still trying?”

    I look a lot younger than my age so I guess people
    Feel it’s ok to keep asking.

    Sorry for the rant. I’m just not sure how to get out of the hole

    My husband and I are still trying naturally with ovulation sticks. My period has always been regular apart from July when it was late and I got slight sore boobs and thought maybe, did a test and my period came the next day. Sod’s law.

    We even thought about adoption but got slightly frightened when we attended a seminar about it. Now we in a dilemma whether just to try naturally or try ivf one more time but it’s so expensive and only a 1% chance

    Thank you for listening.

    Trying to be upbeat and positive but it’s hard


    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Teresa. I’m so sorry to hear of your disappointing news. Hang in there, and please know that I’m pulling for you, as are so many others out there who come to this blog. It sounds like you have been through so much, and I’m really hoping it all gets easier soon.

      With all my very best wishes and in deep admiration for your struggle and strength,



  16. Hi good day to everyone!
    Good day Tracy!
    I am happy to hear from all of your stories I was so encourage and delighted with all of what I heard. We’re almost ten years married longing and hoping for a child.
    I’m coming 45 next month to be exact. Start from the beginning my menstrual cycle was normal but after I had miscarriage last 2015 I experience delayed or let say hormonal imbalance. This month I was hoping that I’m conceiving coz period was delayed for 3 weeks but sad to believed it just only hormonal imbalance, same thing happened last march was 3 weeks delayed.
    Hearing from all of you mothers and mothers to be gives me full hopes and faith that in God’s perfect time I can have my baby which me and my husband are awaiting for, miracle happens to everyone just to have faith we can have it.

    God bless us all…


    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Aya. Thanks for leaving your comment and sharing some of your story. It sounds like you have been through a lot–like so many of the people struggling to conceive and who come to this blog. I’m glad what you’ve found here has given you some hope. Please know that I will be keeping you in my thoughts and hoping for the very best for you and your husband. And in case it helps, I just posted some other stats on the site that may give you an extra dose of hope. They are @ .

      With all my very best wishes,


      PS. Please come back and update us when or if you have news to share.


  17. Hi Everyone,
    Wanted to share the downside to actually getting pregnant naturally at 45. My husband and I were blessed with a healthy baby boy in 2015. I was just shy of turning 43. He is now a perfectly healthy 2 year old. We really wanted to try right away for another child. After a year and a half of trying (which was not given the best effort on my part of charting and keeping track of ovulation while busy keeping track of a toddler) it finally happened! We were shocked and had three ultrasounds by my doctor at 6, 7 and 8 weeks. Baby was measuring to dates, strong heartbeat. I was taking the same progesterone supplements that I did with my other pregnancy right off the bat, had been on prenatal vitamins daily for years and generally taking really good care of myself. So far, so good. No spotting, no cramping or anything out of the ordinary. Yet I felt like I was really pestering my doctor’s office with questions and concerns. After the 8 week scan, we were assured the pregnancy was going well and to relax. 72 hours later, the light bleeding started with bad cramping and I delivered the entire products of conception first – it was something out of a bad dream and a sci fi version of what a fetus in the uterus looks like. Through my tears, I peeled back the layers – the clot, the chorion, the gestational sac until I got to the amniotic sac. To look at this amazing part of life was a rare gift. There was this almost 9 week old attached to the new placenta and the yolk sac, who I could see the little heart still beating and the little arms/legs moving in the amniotic sac. A few seconds of heartbeat and he was gone. I looked up any and all pictures I could find of what 8/9 week fetuses look like because I had to know if he had some sort of defect, to help explain why this just happened. 4 hours later, I was in the hospital in hemorrhagic shock. I bled so much! They pulled out a stuck piece of endometrial tissue and the bleeding slowed dramatically. We took the little tiny baby, still in his clear, amniotic sac home. I did not believe it was possible to experience something like this, to ever cry so much. To feel such extreme loss.
    We did name him (I was convinced somehow that baby was a he) and had him cremated and put into a tiny, wooded heart urn that I keep in a little area of our bedroom with his ultrasound pictures.
    Its been 3 weeks and I am finally beginning to feel normal, but the experience is nothing short of unsettling. My doctor told me that getting pregnant isn’t the only hurdle at this age – keeping it is. I turn 46 next month and decided to focus the hugs and kisses I was saving for Samuel when he was to arrive next May for my amazing two year old little guy. Thankful every day that we were blessed with one, healthy and happy child.
    The miscarriage rate at 45 is 80%. My doctor said most of these occur in the first 4-6 weeks, but can’t give me any answers as to what happened in my case – one day shy of 9 weeks, other than to say for younger women, to hit that magic 8 week mark with all the signs of a healthy fetus and pregnancy means miscarriage is now unlikely, doesn’t really apply to me at 45. That its not unusual at this age to miscarry much further along. One very dark downside I really hadn’t understood.
    There is a piece of me that wants to keep trying, but I think I would be an emotional mess – waiting for the inevitable loss. My heart goes out to all of you who can’t even get that positive test, the ones who keep miscarrying and the lucky ones who made it!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Jen. Thanks so much for sharing your story here. It sounds like you have been through so much, and I’m so very sorry for your loss.

      I also had 2 miscarriages, one in my 9th week and one in my 5th, when I was in my early-to-mid 40s, before I was incredibly lucky enough to have my healthy baby girl at 46. I’m hoping if you do decide to keep trying that you have the same incredible good luck too. And that if you decide to stop, you have continue to have much love and luck and happiness in your life, too, with your little one and your sweetie.

      You are right to point out that a successful pregnancy and healthy birth after 45 is much more the exception than the norm, and the pain of that truth is really daunting.

      In any case, please take care during this time of sadness for you. I’ll be thinking of you and will continue to keep you in my thoughts.

      With all my very best wishes to you and yours,



  18. I have probably read this blog post a dozen times. I will be 45 in a couple of weeks and I’ve been feeling very emotional as this particular birthday approaches because it’s the age at which the statistics note pregnancy is virtually impossible. I did have blood work a month ago. My FSH is actually decent (5.95) but ovarian reserve is low (0.798). But I also am acutely aware that math is not on my side.

    I am lucky. I have a beautiful healthy now 5- year old little boy (pregnant naturally at 39 and delivered 3 weeks before turning 40). We started trying for baby number two before my son’s first birthday. We got pregnant two years ago but it ended in miscarriage. We did try a couple rounds of IUIs but both failed. Our insurance does not cover IVF so I’ve always been reluctant to try because it’s an expensive gamble.

    So I’ve spent the last 4-plus years trying to conceive. I feel as though I’ve lost so much time. There have been so many tears and this whole thing is just incredibly lonely. During the last four months I have started acupuncture, vitamins, diet – all things described in some of the books I’ve been reading. But every month when my cycle arrives it’s like a punch to the gut. I think what makes it worse is that prior to each cycle, my PMS symptoms have been so much like pregnancy symptoms (exhaustion, random breast tenderness, nausea, etc.).

    I think I’ve struggled the last couple months because I have this little voice inside my head telling me it’s time to come to terms with the fact that baby number two will not be coming. I don’t even know how to begin to do that.

    Your blog however, gives me hope. Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Penny,

      Thanks for sharing your story here, and apologies for the long delay in my posting a reply. And many congratulations on your little boy.

      It sounds like you have gone through so much since having him, though, and I’m sorry to read of your losses and struggle. I remember how hard and taxing the years were when I was trying to get pregnant, and I’m sorry you are struggling with this now too. It is really hard, I know.
      As for my own story, I’m glad it gives you hope (although I remember hope feeling a little like a double-edged sword when I was trying all those years to conceive…). But I am hoping for the same good luck for you that we had. I remember how much it felt like I was just treading water and watching my life sort of seep away as I spent so much time and energy, in what I thought should be such a vital time of life, on an endeavor that didn’t seem to be getting anywhere, and the feeling just got worse every month I failed to get pregnant or sustain a pregnancy. But what got me through this experience was the realization that in the end, it wouldn’t add up to wasted time—even if I never got to meet my baby—because everything I was going through to try to conceive our child was a worthy testament to my love for that baby. So I knew I that if I tried for as long as it felt right to try, I wouldn’t look back on my life and regret what I was doing, even if I never did end up having the baby we were eventually so lucky to conceive. I knew I’d always see it as an endeavor worthy of honor, an endeavor based in love and hope, and there could be no regretting, ultimately, something like that, even if it did involve a lot of pain.

      I’m not sure if that makes sense or is helpful, but it’s the only thing I can really think of to offer you in what I know is a really hard situation. (I do write about this a bit more in my book, as well as the whole experience of going through years of trying and failing to have a baby in my 40s, up until my successful pregnancy at 45. Not sure you want to read more about it, but if you do, more info is @

      In any case, I’ll keeping you in my thoughts. With all my very best wishes, and in deep admiration for your struggle and strength,




  19. Dear Madam,
    Just want to know how much was your AMH level, vit D, FSH , sugar and blood pressure when you got pregnant. I am 41 years 7 months old for me two doctors told that I have scanty egg level and should go for IVF but after reading your story I am feeling optimistic. And also want to know diet you followed.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Arvina. Thanks for your comment.

      I don’t remember what my AMH level was, although it wasn’t very hopeful. My vitamin D was fine, as I recall, and my sugar and blood pressure were normal. My FSH was pretty high, although I can’t remember the exact number, but it was around 15, I think–definitely high enough for them to urge me to start IVF as soon as possible. As for diet, as I say above, I wasn’t following any diet at all when I got pregnant.

      I honestly don’t know why I was able to get pregnant naturally at 45 and deliver a healthy baby at 46, especially since my numbers indicated a less than 1% chance this was possible. I’ve written a but more about the statistics, here (, in case you haven’t seen this post. As I’ve also written in one of the comments above, besides just trying to have sex when I thought I might be ovulating, I also used the method of trying to detect when your cervical fluid means you are most fertile, which wasn’t always easy to tell for me, but I guess one month it worked. (Here’s some helpful info on that, if you’re interested:

      In any case, I’ll be hoping for the same good luck for you. Keeping you in my thoughts, and wishing you all the best,



  20. Hi Tracy,

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m turning 45 yrs old in a few days.
    I had my first child at 36 and had 3 miscarriages since then. After that we went through IVF without success. I know that having even one child is very fortunate but I can’t help wanting to have another baby and I don’t know how to get over this feeling.

    Somehow it was consoling to read your story although it may not happen for me, and I feel lucky to have come across your blog. (I’ve visited many around/over 40 pregnancy websites for the past couple of years but never felt like posting anything.) I’ll try to keep my fingers crossed…
    I’m so happy for you and I wish you the best.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi A. I’m really touched that you were moved to post a response, and moved myself by your lovely message and your best wishes.

      It sounds like you’ve been through so much, and I’m so sorry for your losses and for all the struggles you’ve had to face. I’ve never dealt with secondary fertility, as we never wanted to have another child after our daughter was born, but I’ve heard from other people how hard and painful it is to deal with. And I know from the personal experience of being in a happy marriage, and feeling really fortunate about that, that unfortunately feeling fortunate about one thing doesn’t always take the pain of another thing away.

      In any case, please know that I’ll be thinking of you and wishing with all my might that you have the same good luck at 45 that I did. Although I’m not sure when exactly your birthday is, I know from your post that it’s sometime soon (or maybe just recently passed), and I’m also wishing you a very happy birthday. I hope you’re doing something wonderful to spoil yourself. You deserve it!

      With all my very best hopes and wishes for you,



  21. Hi, I love your article. I just found out myself that after 3 miscarriages and after I give up trying to have my biological baby and start thinking about egg donation at 45, I found out I’m pregnant! I was trying to lose weight so I started a 6 week challenge with diet and excercise , I lost 20 pounds! And I gain a pregnancy!!! I’m just terrified of losing it again.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Patricia. Thanks for your reply and for sharing the great news! It sounds like you have gone through so much already, and I’m sorry to hear of your past losses, but I’ll be keeping everything crossed for you that this pregnancy is the one. I can understand your terror, too. I spent pretty much my entire pregnancy in a daze of fear and disbelief, every minute worried that things couldn’t possibly work out. (And now I know I’m hugely lucky that they did.) I’m hoping you have the same good luck next. Please feel free to come back and update us! I’ll be keeping you and yours in my thoughts.



  22. Hi Tracy! I loved your article, your way of thinking & relating to the topic with such life wisdom. Very inspiring, thank you for sharing your story. I have never left a message anywhere before but now I would like to share my story with you & everyone else to give encouragement. I have been in hell & back on my (in)fertility journey but giving up was never an option for me. I lost 16 embryos before having my son at 38 years of age, when I was finally diagnosed with a fertility immunological issue. Just one tablet a day made a difference between life & miscarriage. Then I had my daughter at 40, she was conceived at our first attempt. Our gorgeous third child was an absolute bonus at 42.5 yrs, conceived on our second try. All healthy & beautiful children. My little one has just turned 1 & it still feels like Christmas every day. I’m over the moon happy that we managed to have our family at a ‘mature age’ after such struggles. I truly don’t know how I survived that many losses over the years but something inside me just kept me going. I hoped for the best & prepared myself for the worst. Although I would love to have a 4th child, I will count my blessings now, enjoy my children & won’t push my good luck any further. However, if I was childless, I would keep on going no matter what, until I had any eggs left.
    Good luck with your writings Tracy!
    Wishing you ladies all the best with your endeavours & that your dreams will come true!

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Hi Tracy I am 49 and I still get my period we are trying I know I am older but I had a physical and my doctor says I’m in good health. I had my IUD removed 3 months ago I had the para-guard non hormonal. Were trying but nothing but what’s weriod is my boobs are bigger and I have clear discharge coming out of them what can that be?


    1. Hi Blanca,

      Thanks for your comment. Great news that you still get your period and your dr says you’re in good health. I’m not sure what’s causing your symptoms, but when you find out, please feel free to come back and share the info with us! Other readers might be having the same question. Wishing you all the best and continued health,



      1. Thank you I’m hoping I could still have a baby I do know that it can take up to six months trying and I only been of my my IUD since March 1. So I do pray about it and hope for the best.

        Liked by 1 person

  24. Hi thank you for sharing your experience. I cannot begin to imagine what it must feel like to finally hold your baby in your arms. How beautiful and warming to the heart.
    I will be 45 in a few months and unfortunately have not been able to conceive. Besides some common issues with my husband and my age we have no reasons that prevent us from conceiving. We never have been pregnant in the years we have been trying. And I have given up now on the hope of succeeding which is the strangest of feelings…this acceptance that parenthood will not be part of our lives.
    You were mentioning starting another page about miscarriages in older women. Even though I have not been thru that experience per se, I have experienced the late period, the hope of “ this time I must be, I have to be..”. I believe one of my biggest struggles has been experiencing this grief and loss of something/someone I never had. Grief is hard to handle always, and grief of someone you never met is incomprehensible. It is ongoing. And for the people around you, helping you thru grief in this instance is really hard. In fact, I am not sure my close ones have realised that I have been grieving. So I guess I am saying besides the pain and struggle of loss itself, the unrelenting cycle of hope and grief, there is also a deep sense of aloness as friends and family do not see the experience as loss. In a way, and I am saying something really strange, I almost wish I at least experienced a miscarriage to also experience a sense of understanding and validation from the ones around me. This whole journey has made me feel an alien. I suppose I want to name the grief for others who also have struggled similarly. Thank you for this forum!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Susie. Thanks for sharing your experience and your struggles. You write really beautifully about the loss of just not being able to conceive at all, and how strange it is to mourn it in a world where that’s not really recognized, and when you are mourning an absence of something that never literally was, and also where you end up faced with mourning it over and over each month. I’ve posted another short piece related to my own struggles with this when I was going through it–this weird and heartbreaking feeling of loss and absence–on a page that gets less traffic, so in case you haven’t seen it, it’s here: . (Please don’t let the name of the post suggest that I’m advocating for anyone to stop trying. It’s just that the post was initially inspired by all the questions readers have sent me related to that question, and that for me, I struggled most mightily with the duality of that loss and absence after my husband and I stopped medical treatment, when I was truing to prepare myself for a life of what I thought would be longterm mourning for a child that never came.)

      But I think what you’ve written above will actually provide a lot of solace and even companionship for other women (and men, too) who are faced with the same heartbreak every month. Please know that I am keeping you in my thoughts, and saluting you for your strength and grace in the face of what I remember was an awful, recurring heartbreak.

      With all my very best wishes–and thanks–to you,



  25. I came across your article yesterday, probably on a day that I needed it most. I have to admit, I’ve never left a comment on any of these articles or blogs. Yesterday I made a decision to stop my IVF treatment halfway. I’m 46 years old and halfway through I felt like I just couldn’t put myself through that again. I’ve had 2 treatments before and they hit me hard, both physically and mentally. And what is the hardest is to come out of it not pregnant but more bruised. I just couldn’t bear it and quite honestly realized I’m being a little irrational here at 46. I’ve had no health problems and neither has my partner.We’ve been together for 7 years and if it had to happen it should have by now. It was a hard decision to stop the treatment but maybe it was time for me to accept this. Accept this and move on gracefully. It’s a lot of money and a lot more heartache and the whole experience, no matter how nice the clinic, is just the most unpleasant experience ever. i don’t know if I will regret this decision. Maybe a lot of it was also out of fear. Being an older woman the miscarriage possibility is higher and so are the odds of a Down syndrome baby. Maybe all that together with my past experiences made me stop. I think your friend was right, it was always up to my body and if it didn’t want to until now I don’t think another treatment at 46 would have made it want to now. So there. There’s grieving, but a grieving for something that never was and probably never will be. I hope this is a decision I don’t live to regret.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Romena,

      Thanks for leaving your message, and I’m so sorry you are struggling with all of this. It is really hard, I know. It sounds like you are doing your best to take care of yourself, and in my opinion, this is the most important thing. But I get how heavy and heartbreaking the grieving can be. Don’t know if you’ve seen this, but I did post a little on another page about my own struggles with knowing when/how/if to give up, and the small ounce of comfort I took from knowing that no matter what, I gave it as much as I reasonable, healthfully, rationally could. See

      In any case, please know that I am keeping you in my thoughts and wishing all the very best for you.



  26. Hello Tracy,

    I too have never posted anything online but your article touched me and I found myself feeling so happy for your outcome of having the very much longed for baby. You expressed your experience so realistically and have given me a glimmer of hope that it can happen and more importantly given me the ability to start to accept the fact that I may not have children and still pull through regardless of the pain.

    Like many of the ladies, the part about our bodies being in control really hit home. We seem to take our bodies for granted and convince ourselves we can control them which is contrary to the reality! I have only now truly realised/understood how important looking after the body is in order to give it the best chance of doing its “thing”.

    After several miscarriages, 2 of them at 5 months, and a recent failed ivf cycle, I had just decided to let go but can not stop reading up on this and happened to come across your article! Although I may not have your good fortune, you have been a balm to the soul from all the clinical articles all telling us what to do or not do which is tough to adhere to! I shall try my best to enjoy life and continue to be as healthy as possible and hope it happens for me too!

    Many thanks for the tunnel and light at its end (had lost both) you have given to us!

    Warm regards

    Liked by 1 person

  27. I got pregnant naturally and delivered at the age of 45. I used a product called pre-seed. Not sure if it’s still around but it was 2 days after ‘trying’ that my temp. spiked so I think that did the trick. Normal delivery and healthy baby, today she is 7. Maybe it helped that my great grandmother had my grandmother at 37, fertility can be genetic I’ve heard.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Lori! Actually, we used pre-seed too. Don’t know if it helped, but obviously it didn’t hurt, so I’m glad you’ve mentioned it here. It is still around! Congratulations on your little girl, and all the best to you and yours.


  28. Hi Angela,

    Thanks so much for your lovely comment. And so sorry for how long it took me to reply. We’ve been in the middle of a transcontinental move, and I’ve fallen way behind on email, etc.

    I’m so sorry to hear of your losses, though. This whole process can be so heartbreaking.

    Please know that I am keeping you in my thoughts, though, and wishing you all the very best luck, happiness, and fulfillment in the world, no matter what path you end up on.

    All my very best…


  29. With tears in my eyes i say a very big thank you for sharing your wonderful experience with us. I wont give up trying till i hold my baby in my arms


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