9 Years Ago Today, I Met the Shogun

Nine years ago today, I met the Shogun. I kept trying to stand near him, and he kept moving away from me, afraid, he’d tell me later, that I was going to try to make him speak English.

Two weeks later, he said, “Lub you,” to which I responded “What?” He had to repeat it a few more times before I realized his “ub” was “ove.”

As I’ve written before, seven months ago, the Shogun and I gave up expecting I’d ever be able to sustain a pregnancy, after almost five years of trying: my body somehow too full of slip for those tiny sparks of life to take hold for long. “But you know,” he told me, as our deadline to stop trying neared, “if we can have baby, that would be like miracle. But it will still only be like dessert, because you will always be main course.”

So today, with nine years of days together and Mother’s Day approaching with the promise of a holiday we’ll both ignore, I won’t forget how lucky I am that, although he kept moving away from me that first day we met, I kept moving towards him, and eventually we both stood still, together.

I can’t help but add a postscript to this now, years after I first wrote and posted this. It was either on the day I wrote this post or around this time that I did end up conceiving our child, a healthy baby girl to whom I gave birth at 4 months past my 46th birthday. And it’s true that on the day I wrote this post, we had stopped expecting that I’d ever be able to carry a pregnancy to term. But we hadn’t stopped trying. The story of this, and of how I ended up getting pregnant naturally at 45 and giving birth at 46, is on this blog here, with a longer version in my book, from which the above post was excerpted.

19 thoughts on “9 Years Ago Today, I Met the Shogun

  1. Wonderful post, Tracy, and I especially like that last line. The moving together, so important in a marriage.


    1. Thanks, morgansc! Yes, the moving together–as well as being OK standing still together, I think–is so important. We seem always to want to move forward in our world, but I’m learning that sometimes being able just to be still is a kind of gift too. Thanks again for leaving a reply–I greatly appreciate it!


  2. I found this – and the longer piece, which I clicked through to – moving and very beautiful. It struck a particularly poignant chord with me, as I’ve just been through my third miscarriage this spring, exactly as you describe yours here… So sad when the doctors go from chirpy due dates to embarrassed mumblings that make you feel bad for being over 40 and still trying… I love the way you describe your man. So pleased to have connected through this blog post, and will look out for future posts.


    1. Hi Jen. Thanks so much for visiting this blog and for leaving your heartfelt comment. I am so sorry to hear of your 3rd loss. I’m 45 and I went through almost 5 years of trying after 40, and it just sucks. I’m keeping you in my thoughts and wishing you all my very best, though, and am looking forward to staying connected through our blogs!


  3. You are such a terrific writer Tracy girl!

    I am thinking about you and sending you love


    Sent from my iPad


  4. Great piece, Tracy! I miss you at the Fabric Market and those fabulous restaurant jaunts. Come back for a weekend! John Sensei-san


    1. John-sama!! Are you in Shanghai now or Boston? I’m hoping to be back in Boston late Aug through Sept and would love to grab another martini with you and sit and gossip and catch up. Miss you! And thanks so much for stopping by and leaving your sweet comment.


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